Hey you, its me again...I know it's been awhile since we last spoke but I have a few things I need to get off my chest before I can fall back asleep. As the thoughts continue to eat at me, dying to find themselves on paper, in a letter to you. That's right, a good old fashioned letter. However via a google blog via facebook, it's all the same, and the words still read the same. So just listen, and no response is needed. And I know....I'd normally write a song, but this one isn't worth the time to rhyme, and that right there wasn't even on purpose. I'd usually even pretty it up a bit with my extensive vocabulary, but I'm just going to be real with you, and let the words flow as they come out, talking to myself in a non Skitzophrenic state of mind..
As the tides roll by, and the waves wash in, I sit here on this empty balcony in the Bahamas thinking about you. Wishing you were here to see such a beautiful place, and yet it still doesnt compare to the beauty that I once saw in your eyes. I miss you, alot in fact. And it's not that I didn't love you. Because I've never been so much in love with something in my entire life. No amount of money, cars, cloths, or any material possession could come close to how made you feel inside, when you were there for me. Even on the brief occassion that that was.
But that's where the story ends. Because you and I...as alike as we are, we are completely different people. You see, there was no fight in you, at least not for me. Me? I have so much fight in me, i'll die fighting for the things I love, but only if they love me back. That's just how it works. Maybe it's because you dont understand what goes on in my head. Hell...half the time Im discombulated with it all as well. On the outside, im heaven to the world, but inside burns a raging inferno of hell that sometimes I just can't control. The drugs help, prescription for those that wonder, but they can't rid me of my heart and the passion that has been lit inside me.
Do I hate you, now? Yes. Part of me hates you, as much as I love you. Which is alot by the way. It's the closest thing to unconditional that you'll ever find from someone that isn't family. But desertation and abandonment are not in my vocabulary, no irony intended. This is why you havent heard from me. That's probabley why you'll never hear from me again. Not because I wouldnt have fought for every ounce of you, but you wouldnt fight for me, so you dont deserve me fighting for you. You just arent worth it. That's not to say you aren't a good person...
I know your a good person, and not everything is meant to be. But in my eyes, you come off as a coward with the words you used and the gestures you inflicted to me, even in glimpse of the mental illnesses that prevailed. I'm not using them as an excuse but I dont have complete control at all times. Whats your excuse? I know what I said, but you should have known who the real me was, even when I didn't. Hence the illness, hence the lack of love that you pursued. What I'd give for you to understand. Guess they dont teach you everything in Med school. And thats not a dig at the educational institute, that's a dig at you're persona.
But as I sit here, I reminsice, of the good times we had. But it's overshadowed by the bad. I wouldnt trade it for anything because you were the only thing that brought happiness to my life in a time that I really needed it. But through it all you made my condition worse. The hands of anxiety tightened around my neck as each sleepless night passed by. How hard is it to say I love you? How hard is it to reach out for someones hand. I'm not a fan of PDA myself, to an extent. But when you really love someone, you should want the world to know. Ive seen love in your eyes, and last time I looked, it wasn't there. I would do anything to see it again, but not from you. Not now...not after what you did. I'm sure your reading this, with that confused and pissed off look on your face as your eyes roll, telling yourself that you didn't do anything....and your right, you didn't do anything. That's the point.
So I still sit here, feeling the ocean breeze and the sound of the palm trees gently swaying, I'm finally at peace with it all. It's 3 am here, kinda reminds me of the song by matchbox 20 way back in the day. And ironically enough, the song itself is the story of my life. But im at peace with that. Ive finally accepted myself, and found the love inside my heart to love myself. Without you....I'm more confident than ever, or maybe that's the drugs talking, but whatever it is, it's me, somewhere inside here. Drinking my monster energy drink to compliment the demons inside me, I'm as calm as the storm before it rushes in.
I was lost in the echo of so many voices that still remain, but im able to focus, able to distract them as reality ensues. Yes, im still going to have my moments of extreme rage, but what I want to leave you with, as a final statement of understanding. Have you ever seen me blow up at someone that I didn't love? Yes, i've gotten pissed off at people but have you seen me turn into that person you saw transform into something seemingly not even human. It only happens to the ones that I love, when I dont feel the same love in return. I can't be anymore blunt than that about it. So the split personality exist, the obsessive compulsive tendencies remain, the mood swings, and manic depression and anxiety still eat at me. But love cures all. I truly believe that, and as I wait for the beautiful Bahamian sun to rise over the horizon and the shimmer it'll make on the water below, i'll stand over it and see my reflection.
I'll see the man you'll never get the chance to embrace nor appreciate again. Will you find better? Probabley, in your eyes at least. But the reflection that I see, is a man who is going to prove you wrong, the world wrong, and shower the people that I love with as much love as I possibly can. And as much as I hate to say things like this, batteling through all the things that I have, unable to appreciate the finer things in life due to visions clouded by infliction, I'm still ten times the person you will ever be. And I think deep down, you know its true. I'll end with this....You relit a fire inside me, and this one isn't going to burn out, as I focus on it and never forget the last time I saw you, and the last message you sent, and how empty those words were. My only wish at this point...is that I light a fire inside of you and your trail of ashes bring you everything in life that I would have given you. Good-bye, and farewell my friend. As the tides roll by, so do I...hollow as your words were, but completely satisfied with it all for once in my life.
Sincerely,
The road you'll never get to travel on...
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